I swear to God I'm a madman--Day 73

I finished The Catcher in the Rye today. In many ways, it's a very depressing book. Holden Caulfield, a 17 year old, is depressed by almost everything and believes all adults are phonies. After he invites a woman to have a drink with him, he goes off on a very odd tangent on how they can run off together and live till they run out of money, and then he'd get a job, they'd buy a cabin and he can chop wood. This scares the woman to the point where she leaves. Holden's final thought on the subject ends the chapter: "I swear to God I'm a madman.", he says.

What's really odd is that I don't think I've laughed out loud throughout a book as many times as I did when reading this one. Many people laugh at comedians because either what he's saying is perfectly true, but looked at in a different context. Either that or their timing is so perfect, that you're caught off guard by what they come up with and it ends up hilarious. Many times it's a combination of both. That's what made this book funny at points. I'd think "Oh man, that's me! I do that!" I used to be like Holden in many ways. Many people seemed phony to me and I could find something wrong with everything. I can still also ramble on endlessly repeatedly going over the same thing or going off on tangents and forgetting how to get back on topic. I cracked up when he started talking about a lost pair of gloves he used to have. He talks about those gloves and what he would say to the person who took them and where he'd find the gloves in their room and what they'd say to him and what he should say back and what he actually would say back and how he should hit them, but he's too cowardly and what he'd say instead and what they'd say back to him and on and on for two pages of the book. So when I read that sentence more than halfway through the book and already realizing how depressed he was, it made me think how much of a "madman" I had felt like.

I'd known something was wrong with me for some time. You know how people can say "Get over it, already!"? Well, I felt I just couldn't. How do you tell a scar on your body to just go away? It'll fade in time, but it's always there. To me there were no band-aids for personal scars as well. Among other things, I think of The Silence of the Lambs. Clarice's voice shakes when she tells Hannibal Lecter about how she saw and heard the lambs getting slaughtered. She just wanted them to be silent. You know for a fact her character can still hear that screaming as vividly as if it were happening right there. Same here. I wanted the screaming to go away. Fortunately, I have lived long enough to turn to God for help.

One of my favorite songs in my playlist is "Undo". One of my favorite parts in that song is when he sings "I need you. I need your help. I can't do this myself." That is so true. I spent much of my adult life not being able to forgive and forget. I look at my younger siblings and can see where I would've ended up if He had not brought Kim into my life, and then Colton, and then Gabrielle, and then Noah, and then, finally, and most importantly, His Word. The youngest brother stole a car at 14 and died instantly when he rolled it on a dirt road. The other brother lives in Texas, is manic depressive and had tried to commit suicide at least three times. The last thing I knew he had found God, had taught himself how to play the keyboard and played at his church. He played Pachelbel's Canon on his keyboard over the phone and I swear it seemed like the most beautiful piece of music I had ever heard.

I found out that scars don't disappear. You just find a way to quit worrying about them. If you can help it, you hand your problems over to God before things begin to control your life. I've learned a lifetime of things about God, myself and others in the past few months. I am no longer a madman nor am I a mad man. I have placed many of my worries and bad memories over to God. I draw strength from him when I remember to. Other times, I just try to "get over it" myself and it doesn't work. Sure, I get recharged at church and by talking to Adam, but it is only through Him that these helping hands were placed before me.

Anyway (as Holden frequently says when he finally gets back on topic), The Catcher in the Rye is a great book. I can see why it is a classic and a favorite of coming of age teenagers even back in J.D.'s day. Just try not to go crazy reading it :)